Sunday, February 27, 2005

Camp Thoughts

So I received a letter hiring me to work at camp once more for the summer. I am very much looking foward to revisiting something so familiar and safe. I am also looking foward to the payraise that I have so painstakingly earned. I love my campers, the sun, and the lazy hazy days of camp. I love the way that camp is it's own world, that which is not affected by outside influences. I like that I have finally befriended people who intend to come back.

I do not like the drama that innately occurs when a group of people are bound together for weeks at a time. I do not like that I have a tendency to let my personal life affect the work that I do at camp. I do not like that camp encompasses such a vast majority of my personal time. I do not like that others in my past could not understand the huge commitment that I am forced to make to camp.

I feel ashamed that I have not been the counselor that I could have been to my campers, simply because I felt sorry for myself and my own problems. Some of my campers cannot even speak. Some cannot walk. Some cannot even communicate what they feel, whether it be sad, happy, angry, hungry.... The list goes on. I do not know problems next these people.

This year, I am newly committed to the idea of camp. This one week is all that some look foward to. I am strengthened in my resolve to remember that.

Besides, what job could be better than playing outside all day?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Tale of a Crazy Young Maiden

I got really emotional this weekend and convinced myself that the boyfriend will break up with me, because we just passed the sixth month mark and two previous boyfriends broke up with me after six months. Then I decided that if he is not going to do it now, he most certainly will during camp this summer, because two previous relationships also ended during camp two summers in a row. Furthermore, I drew the conclusion that my parents are already used to me being gone and do not need me anymore. Then I spent the whole day sleeping and crying because I was alone and no one needed or wanted me.

Then the boyfriend called.

"What's wrong, honey?"

I then proceeded to explain to him how my family does not love me anymore, how he does not need me anymore, and how he is most certainly going to break up with me soon.

Maybe the obsessive crying and whining scared him, because he showed up at my dorm at 8:00 before class this morning, rose in one hand and breakfast in the other. One hug and then I certainly felt a little low. As of the present moment, my tendency to slip into a complete irrational state of mind every now and then has not deterred the relationship. Perhaps he realizes that these situations are momentary, so he just sits tight until I am the sweet, thoughtful, loving, and level-headed girl that he knows. But I out-did myself this time. Hopefully he will make a full recovery.

Thank God he's sane.

Some good things:
1) I was praised by my aerobics boss for my work in class today. Perhaps this attention will be the incentive I need to get certified so I can have my own class next year.
2) I've been eating healthier and cutting down considerably on my caffeine intake. What a difference!
3) I've been thinking about where I'm going to live next year. I've realized that talking about change and thinking about new things makes me extremely happy.
4) I have an A in psychology so far. But unfortunately it is my only A. Since when have I turned into such a bad student? Oh wait, this is the good list...

Some not-so-good things:
1) My grades are stinky because I have no goals or ambition.
2) I have no goals or ambition.

In conclusion, now I must study to make the grades, which will enable me to discover my ambition, that will be the leading force allowing the discovery of my future path, after which I will excell at my future decision, so that I may reside in peaceful and perfect harmony with the boyfriend, when I will be able to visit the loving parents, and someday hope to teach aerobics on the side.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Such is Life

So let's talk about this weekend. I started the weekend festivities early on Thursday when I promised my friend that I would accompany her and some friends to Tiki Bob's, a nightclub close to my dorm. The evening, begun somewhat shakily, proved to be rather entertaining. I thoroughly enjoyed all of the dancing, even while attempting to surround myself with as many people that I knew as possible so as to avoid the approach of drunk strangers dancing behind me. I also got a tremendous kick out of observing the millions of single guys surrounding the bar with barely a girl interspersed between them.

Finally collapsing into bed at 3:30 in the morning proved to be treacherous the next day. Sleep is a very valuable thing to a college student. After struggling to keep my eyelids open during class on Friday, I realized that I most certainly had promised another friend to attend a toga party with her that night in Troy. Thus began my interesting two hour trip to see my girl. The monotonous hour and a half drive down 65 began to seem like more than I could take. Sleep seemed to pull my eyes shut, so I pulled over. My original plan was to get a quick fifteen minute shut-eye, but I got scared when my car shook from the cars whizzing past and decided to keep going. Then I laughed about how I'm such an idiot for getting scared because my car shook and also because I simply cannot do anything that requires common sense. Five minutes later, traffic slowed to reveal a car resting comfortably on it's right side, crushing it's passenger side, left tires touching the sky, and on the right side of the road exactly where I had been attempting a nap five miles back. Life is fragile and momentary. I would suggest tying up loose ends before it's too late.

Needless to say, I was very alert for the remainder of my trip. Denise's bathroom and closet proved to be much larger than what I have been blessed with. Her toga party proved to be a great night. I learned that fraternity guys can be nice, and I also learned that having a pink toga frantically sewn on my body an hour before departure is fun entertainment. I love my girl and I enjoyed seeing where her new life now, but I did experience a swelling of mixed emotions in my stomach that didn't sit well on the drive back. It is difficult to adjust to the change that we have all had to undergo. This change seems to have happened overnight. It seems like change should happen more gradually after eighteen years of consistency.

Saturday morning's preparation for the drive home turned frantic when we discovered that Denise's Cardwell had reservations for their Valentine's celebration to keep. After a hurried farewell and a Happy Valentine's wish, I began the journey back to the city. Upon arrival I was immediately picked up by the father and whisked out to eat with his runner friends. Being insane, they are all rising at the butt-crack of dawn to run a marathon (yes, that's 26.2 miles) the next day. Fortunately, I do have a brain so I was dropped off at my dorm where I proceeded to make chocolate chip muffins, nestle deep into my one hundred percent Egyptian cotton sheets, and improve my laziness skills.

Sunday's marathon proved to be hectic. The boyfriend and I had a surprisingly stressful time attempting to catch the Dad at various spots along the route. Forgetting to eat breakfast haunted us as we searched for a place to eat. Then we remembered: there is no such place open on Sunday! That makes sense. We ended up at a tiny individually owned Greek place that was shoved beside an alley with a man trifling through the trash and whose sign advertised sandwiches, hot salami and corned beef, and cigarettes. Perfect. After the awards ceremony, in which my dad most certainly did not win the Mercedes for me, I executed a hurried trip to Wally World. Being an almost certain bad girlfriend, I most definitely did not have a Valentine's present yet. What's more is that we were going to celebrate in about three hours. I quickly purchased the necessary materials to make one heck of a cute photo album and hurried back to take a shower and quickly check thefacebook for about the twentieth time that day.

A side note: DO NOT get involved in thefacebook. It will take over your life, and you will be addicted. Do not consider yourself above others in that you might be an exception. Thefacebook spares no one.

An amusing little fact is that the ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and I are now on a very friendly basis as a result of thefacebook. She has turned out to be a very lovely girl. We have bonded together from our mutual ex's tendency to ignore our existence. But such is life.

The boyfriend treated me to a lovely evening filled with good food, beautiful roses, a snuggly teddy bear holding an even more beautiful box of chocolate, a personally engraved photo album, a wonderful movie, and even more wonderful company. I say right now to anyone who claims that Valentine's Day is unimportant because it is too commercial: you are so wrong! While I was enjoying the VDay festivities, I experienced a revelation: last night felt like every other night with the boyfriend. No, he does not deliver all of those things at one time usually, but he is consistently selfless and giving. He continually sets aside his wants for the sake of my happiness. It should have been a special day, but having it feel so completely normal made me realize that he makes every day a special day for me. To all of my girls who complain that Valentine's make your guy feel obligated to make you feel special, you have the wrong man. The right one would have made you feel special a long time ago.

So that brings me to the present moment wherein I avoid all homework and unfulfilled duties. I have finely tuned the art of procrastination since taking up residence in this fine city. Perhaps it is due to the lack of a major and thus lack of direction in my life. Or maybe it is a result of my inner lazy spirit emerging to consume the unrelenting drive for perfection that has embodied my soul for the past eighteen years. It even may stem from the slight depression that has ensued after the loss of everything that I knew to be structure and order. I am not the girl I used to be. Surprisingly, the resilient nature of a human is an extraordinary thing. And so I go on.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

On Attempting to Write Sappy Poetry

My thoughts are filled with explanations
As to why I am so dependent on you
You so in need yet somehow... never... there...
And I am left alone again with my thoughts
Constantly denying
My own need

The feelings that resurface again and again
I'd like to discard permanently
As if they could suddenly become tangible objects
That would slip through my trembling hands out of my sixth floor window
Slowly tumbling to their demise
So you can't affect me again